In just a few days, we will be gathering in Denver with peacemakers from around the world to study, pray, and fellowship together at the 2012 Peacemaker Conference. This will be the first time we have co-taught together since Redeeming Church Conflicts was published last May, but it is certainly not our first time serving together. Back when we were on staff at Peacemakers, we could pretty much finish each other’s sentences during Peacemaker Seminars because we had heard each other’s teaching illustrations so many times. (We’d have to be careful to not laugh before the punchline too.) Good times. And we’re looking very forward to even more good times this coming week.
To help us to prepare for our two workshops together, we recently reviewed the fact patterns for some conflicted churches we have both been helping. (That’s one of the reasons why our blog has been quieter than normal for the last few weeks … sometimes we just have to prioritize actually serving conflicted churches over writing about serving conflicted churches.) Of course, we keep all identifying information confidential, even from each other, whenever we are not hired together. But the broad brushstrokes of our experiences were so similar, that we thought they might be of encouragement to you too. So here are just a few stories:
Two Pastors, then Two Families, then Their Church Leaders, then Two Entire Churches in Utter Conflict
Recently, we had the joy of spending time with some experienced church leaders. We respected so many things about these men, their love for the Lord and His Word; their commitment to their families, churches, and communities; their love for the lost; their intelligence and humility (always an attractive combination). But, like all of us at times, they were facing conflicts in their churches.
These conflicts were complex and included substantive matters that needed addressing. But their substantive matters had degraded the personal relationships among these men. And their fellow leaders. And their wives. And their church members.
So what did we do? We turned to the Lord anew. Worshiped Him. Studied His Word. Prayed. And we did the hard work of much discussion/debate (just like Acts 15 requires of us!). We remembered all of those “good listening skills” we had ever learned. We didn’t forget the temptations to a “stage mentality” associated with complex group dynamics. Basically, we walked through each of the four sections of Redeeming Church Conflicts: Perspective, Discernment, Leadership, and Biblical Response. Of course these “steps”did not guarantee a fully reconciled result, but in this case, God graciously granted one. Hearts were pierced and humbled in repentance. Men were eager to confess to one another and forgive one another.
As is always our goal as Christian mediators, soon we weren’t even needed because these men—who just a few days earlier were unable to even look at one another more or less converse civilly—remembered they were brothers, on the same side, fighting the same enemies (Satan, the world, the Old Man). And that they were not, in fact, each other’s enemies.
Yes, it was a joy. And a privilege. And a great reminder that God’s Word really does pierce the hardest of hearts—we know this from personal experience regarding our own oft’ stony hearts, and we had an opportunity to observe it again during this conflicted church intervention.
Not an Event–But an Unfolding Process of God’s Grace
In another conflicted church, we had the privilege of helping a large group of godly, mature Christian men who had sacrificed their personal relationships on the altar of a substantive decision that the church was needing to make.
Initially, the men were extremely concerned with getting “their” individual stories (and memories) “on the record.” (Not that there was a record. We were not acting as arbitrators. We neither received nor authenticated evidence. There were no court reporters. It was just us. A room filled with Christians, talking about what happened and what didn’t happen.)
As is usually the case in these situations, the memories and perspectives from the various men were radically at odds with each other. Initially, it seemed as though we would never get anywhere; there was an indomitable barrier between the conflicted parties labeled, “TRUTH.” (But really what it said was, “MY TRUTH.” My perspective. My evidence, memories, testimony. My my my. Me me me.) Yes, we could have gotten completely bogged down right there, but we didn’t.
Instead, we helped these men to see that while it is helpful and even necessary to try to understand a basic outline of what has brought them to this point, there is nothing to be gained by dying on the hill of a best memory contest.
Instead, we called them to do what God calls all of us to do:
“Be reconciled!” (Matthew 5:24).
Once they decided it didn’t really make any difference how vastly different their respective “takes” were on the facts, they got down to business repenting, confessing, forgiving, remembering God, and started thinking more about healing their sheep.
Their personal reconciliation led them to work hard to develop a reconciliation plan to take back to their fellow leaders, families (because if you don’t think the wives are involved when their husbands are embroiled in church conflict, then you probably have never actually intervened in a conflicted church), and their church members.
The bottom-line of their reconciliation plan? That redemption of conflict is not an event, but an unfolding process of God’s grace.
Amen to that!
That’s what we’ll be saying (over and over again) in our workshops this week in Denver.
Hope to see you there!
For the glory of the Lamb,
Dave & Tara